I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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