I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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