just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
