If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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