I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
