over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
