I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
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