I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
