I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
