Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
