and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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