True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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