just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
