I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize