A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
