why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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