onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
