i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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