Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
