Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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