I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
