Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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