How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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