If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
