I'm so fucking centered right now
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
