why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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