I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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