he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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