I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
