I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
