she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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