I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
