So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I understand Curling. That high.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
