I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
