im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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