I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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