My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
