Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
