I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
