This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
