I wish I only lived at night.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
