just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
