Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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