I'm going to jail i love you
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
