you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
