yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
