Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
