I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
