He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
