You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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