Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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