yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
