he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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