Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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