you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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