I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
