I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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